in love every night

I am in love every night
I love the night air
when the breeze blows from the sea
the moon shining brightly in the sky
hear the waves gently singing their sweet song
smelling the salt in the mist
a light in the distance
darkness all around
soft perfume of sweat
warmth emanating from a sweet flower
lovely reflections
a smile on my face
the night air so warm almost as a caress
I relax and sigh
without a care in the world
come with me tonight
come feel the night
open your soul
hear the music of nature
be in love every night

feeling

just feeling good
listening to a good song
thinking of a good moment
never can say goodbye
never forgotten
but not dwelling
letting new feelings uplift
letting old feelings remain
trying to let the past help me
hoping the future is long
living the present
loving the present
I don't want to replace the past
I do want to love those dear to me
may my family be closer
let me hold my children
tell them I care
open my heart so they can feel my love
open their heart to accept it
make us whole
may our parts unite to become stronger
than our separate pieces
feeling good

silly boy

silly boy
just take my hand
don't you know what you got
can't you tell
without me saying so
silly boy
take my hand
I want you to be close
I want to hold you
Can't we just enjoy what we have
silly boy
we haven't known for very long
this feeling
just let it grow
just let it alone
don't try to make it
be more
just let it be
hold me
don't use me
feel me
that is what pleases me
don't ask for more
just take what I give
I'll give you what I can
silly boy take my hand
don't ask for my heart
it is too soon
but I am with you
can't you just accept that
isn't that all you really want
it's all I have
share my space
silly boy
take my hand

I almost love you

seems like I can't quite get it right
nothing is really perfect
how can you analyze a feeling
quantify an emotion
you are such a good fit for me
and I for you
when I hold you
I feel great
the look I see in your eyes doesn't lie
a feeling otherwise unable to attain
so how can I tell you how I feel
I want you to know
but I must be honest
suddenly I realize
that I almost love you
I need maybe more time
more conversation
more hugs
more looking into your eyes
less fear
less of the past
less pain
sure I feel strong
sure I want to go on
so I almost love you
is that enough
till I know for sure
this will have to do
just remember
I still love your smile
what we have is good
I want to try to make it last

why all this pain

I am touching a lovely person
feeling the caring spirit
of a lovely partner
but I am feeling pain
not caused by this partner
caused by inability to be a man
it has so long since I felt that I was a man
measuring myself against a tainted benchmark
but this urge is so powerful
that I can't completely resist
I receive pleasure
and try to give pleasure
but I still feel this pain
this numbness
I try to understand
but can't
I struggle and reach
wanting to enter and release
unable to survive
I choose to not perish
I beat on my self
asking a selfish prayer
not knowing the answer
not wanting to face my real pain
I cry out for help
oh if only
if only the past would release me
can I forgive the past
I ask to try but
I feel so much good
I feel my partner
where is the satisfaction
where is the completeness
I ramble on unable
to say the real words
unable to deal with the real reason
for if I accept
I am defeated
a shell of a man
can this be enough for my partner
can this be enough for me
maybe I'm just afraid of the pain

sad in the middle of the night

I awaken
it is the middle of the night
sadness overwhelms me
I am not alone
yet I am alone at the same time
I can not waken my partner
for I cannot tell her that my desire is so great
yet my feelings for her have little to do with desire
my partner fills this void
a void felt as desire
but not filled by desire
yet I am awake and trying to feel
trying to forgive my loss
trying to forgive my pain
trying to forgive my hurt
trying to forgive the past
am I so dulled
so beaten
it has been so long
so long since I felt the bliss
that my partner brings
there is transference
the pleasure I give is the pleasure I feel
I only write this to sort thru feelings
so mixed and jumbled
so much hurt and pain
so much unforgiven
but not forgotten
my partner walk with me
hold my hand
comfort me
I spoke the words the other morning
and you didn't hear
I am grateful
for I am not ready
I feel the feelings
but can not forgive the past as of yet
talk to me of desire
tell me you understand
say you will help me
I promise that I won't hurt you
intentionally
because I know that pain is hard to control
I kiss you softly as I leave
a promise that I will return
a promise to hold your love in a safe place
help me forgive the past

I want to feel secure

I want to feel secure
guess everyone does
how can you ask without asking
how can I know what is on your heart
without feeling
if you feel something is it real
or do you just wish it so
is it safe to dream
or will reality be bitter
tasting everything so sweet
means you probably
have avoided the savory
treat me gently
touch me lightly
no pressure
accept me as I accept you

I trust you with my heart

I trust you with my heart
I just can't say the words
I know that I am close
but still very far away
and yes I care if you feel the same way
but I don't expect the words from you
I know that what you feel is strong
I can feel in every touch
and breathe you take
I feel that you are starting to trust me
that the same warm spirit
that holds you
that touches you
also embraces me
can anything so strong and good
be wrong
would not God
give us love
to share
so
I trust you with heart

where am I going

do you know where you are going
sometimes it feels like I know
then I look around and ask
where am I?
tonight I asked that question
because I am by myself
there are other people in the house
there are other people in my life
but none with me right now
and I wonder where I will be next year
things will change then
I will face decisions
and right now
I don't want to make any decisions
I'm not allowing any of the future
to interfere with my present
that is how I operate
always living the present
enjoy myself
if you try to prepare for the future
you lose some of the present
if you dwell in the past
how can you enjoy what you have
if you have pain use it
if you have love adore it
if you have loss learn from it
so if I knew where I was going
I would still be where I am
and probably try to figure a way to change the future
by doing something different in the present
would I give up love for life
would I give up truth for fortune
would I trade what I have
to get what I will have
which is better
life or dreams
life or memories
or life with uncertainty

time spent alone

it seems like
I don't want to spend time alone
I thought that I would be okay
alone at the beach
or walking
of course
I'm the optimist
and I don't realize everything
that is going on around me
so when I concentrated on myself
I felt the good things
leaving out the bad
easy for me
but after having so much loss around me
I reached out
lucky me
she reached out too
so now we dance our dance
happiness seems a reality
time passes so quickly
and I feel like it has been years
but only days actually
what is loss seems a distant memory
what is present feels like eternity
so I will live my dream
and I hope you can live yours
close your eyes
and feel my happiness
close your eyes
and tell me what you feel
when you hear my name
now open your heart
open your heart
and smile