sad in the middle of the night

I awaken
it is the middle of the night
sadness overwhelms me
I am not alone
yet I am alone at the same time
I can not waken my partner
for I cannot tell her that my desire is so great
yet my feelings for her have little to do with desire
my partner fills this void
a void felt as desire
but not filled by desire
yet I am awake and trying to feel
trying to forgive my loss
trying to forgive my pain
trying to forgive my hurt
trying to forgive the past
am I so dulled
so beaten
it has been so long
so long since I felt the bliss
that my partner brings
there is transference
the pleasure I give is the pleasure I feel
I only write this to sort thru feelings
so mixed and jumbled
so much hurt and pain
so much unforgiven
but not forgotten
my partner walk with me
hold my hand
comfort me
I spoke the words the other morning
and you didn't hear
I am grateful
for I am not ready
I feel the feelings
but can not forgive the past as of yet
talk to me of desire
tell me you understand
say you will help me
I promise that I won't hurt you
intentionally
because I know that pain is hard to control
I kiss you softly as I leave
a promise that I will return
a promise to hold your love in a safe place
help me forgive the past