why all this pain

I am touching a lovely person
feeling the caring spirit
of a lovely partner
but I am feeling pain
not caused by this partner
caused by inability to be a man
it has so long since I felt that I was a man
measuring myself against a tainted benchmark
but this urge is so powerful
that I can't completely resist
I receive pleasure
and try to give pleasure
but I still feel this pain
this numbness
I try to understand
but can't
I struggle and reach
wanting to enter and release
unable to survive
I choose to not perish
I beat on my self
asking a selfish prayer
not knowing the answer
not wanting to face my real pain
I cry out for help
oh if only
if only the past would release me
can I forgive the past
I ask to try but
I feel so much good
I feel my partner
where is the satisfaction
where is the completeness
I ramble on unable
to say the real words
unable to deal with the real reason
for if I accept
I am defeated
a shell of a man
can this be enough for my partner
can this be enough for me
maybe I'm just afraid of the pain