you are me

you are not stealing a moment
from me
you are not depriving me
of one second of love
you are not hurting me
in the least
I gave you all the love
I had
now it is your turn to
create anew
yes I want to share all
of the precious moments
but they do not exist
for my benefit
I have passed on
the life force
I expect you to fully
exercise love to its fullest
I know that I
extracted every morsel of essence
from you when we were together
and I now enjoy every second
I bask in the glow of love
from your child
but you are the force that
must mold that life
I can help but my presence
is not essential
my work is done
through you
for you are me
I am your father
I am my daughter
I just want you to know
that I love you

I only miss you

I only miss you
when I go to touch you
when I roll over and realize I'm alone
when I open my eyes
when I close my eyes
when I awake
when I try to sleep
when I look at the stars
when I see the sun
tonight when I saw your name
yesterday when I saw your picture
tomorrow when I want to kiss you
when I try to breathe
when I ask why
when I'm on my knees crying
when I bow my head to pray
I only miss you
because you are not here
I only miss you
when I plan on how
to see you again
when my whole life is
asking for you
when I softly call your name
when they ask why
why am I so sad looking
I only miss you
all the time

envelope

I put my love in a envelope
with two rings
simple and plain
sealed with a kiss
I wrote on the envelope
open when you can say yes
I'm not in hurry
just felt you should know
that I 'm ready
I will wait
as long as it takes
when you say yes
we can still take our time
I plan to put it in a
plastic bag
and give it to you
after New Years' eve
in the hot tub
just wanted to say to the world
that I love you
and want to be with you

no more yesterdays

it was just yesterday
that I held you in my arms
the day before when our
babies were born
another yesterday
you were my consuming flame

today I'm crying
all I can think about is
yesterday

and I'm not going
to stop crying
until there are
no more yesterdays

travel the road

I look in the clouds
and see great beauty
I close my eyes
and see great dreams
I have given to you
so very little
yet you have turned into
something much more
than I could sustain
Your dreams pull you along
causing you to go places
and do things on a road
that only you can travel
I pray that God
gives you strength
to make it through each
and every day
for I know that if
you possess the strength
that you have the will
to travel the road
I just want you to know that
I love you

granddaughter song

he says he loves my smile
said it's my mommy's
then we play awhile
and he hugs me

says I remind him of his mother
and he gets something in his eye
he throws me in the air
and makes a face at me

he puts me on his shoulders
and then we talk
we go to the store
or by the shore we walk

he smiles at me
and I smile back
and maybe today
a beautiful sunset

know that I love you

know that I love you
sleep dream
when you awake
think of me
I will join you
again
when the work day ends
take my hand
kiss my lips
place your legs across mine
embrace me
as I embrace you
caress me
let me touch your soft skin
I leave
and disappear into the night
I hate to leave
but must
our time together
all too brief
know that I love you

the rings

I look at your ring
and look at mine
we still are connected
to our separate pasts
for your ring is his
mine ring is hers
we have said that
we are over
that the past is done
but we can never really
lose what we were
a constant reminder
that you are bound
by the rules
we pretend to ignore
I cannot dwell on it
but I must accept
or try to
can I be so selfish
to think I could replace
so many years of love
and pain
we hold each others hand
look at our rings
and smile
for we are trying
to live now
use old promises
to bind a new love
so lets pretend
that I gave you
and you gave me
these symbols
a chance
to love anew
fresh starts
just tell no lies
love honestly
and ignore
the shadow of the past
leaning over our shoulder
I promise you
you promise me
let us go forward from here
others will think
that we are one
because of our rings
because of the way
we act and look at each other

for a moment

the perfect moment
I thought many times in the past
that the moment was the one
I would choose
if I had to choose only one
but I just had the perfect moment
where I felt like a piece
of a jigsaw puzzle
all twisted with legs going
one way
and arms and head another
yet everything fit
and the other pieces
locked into me
I was part of a perfect moment
where everything felt right
and good
for that moment
warm and snugly
but with my mind at peace
my heart filled with love
and my soul full of joy
for that moment I was more than one
I was more
perfect
for a moment

if I burn in hell

it was what we wanted
it was what we needed
the feelings were real
the meaning was true
our expression was intense
why can't we talk about it
do we just walk around it
so much is unsaid
so much is unknown
if I burn in hell
because of your touch
why does God let us feel this way
each day is better with you
each moment of your company
is sought with great anticipation
when we are together
life is good
when we talk
we understand
so why can't we discuss this
don't change what is working
don't disturb fate
tomorrow is another chance
to give what I can to you
if I don't understand
do know
that I care
and I won't let go

walkin at midnight

should I laugh
should I cry
if I open my eyes
will I see the blue sky
or just some dark clouds
is this real
or not
do I care
I would walk in the dark
at midnight
if I would find my peace
but I will lay next to heaven
tomorrow
and feel sweet tenderness
a soft shoulder and gentle manner
my love I will profess
and it will be returned
for I am not perfect
and I feel like a piece of jagged glass
from a mirror
that has somehow found a fit
when I look in the mirror
the image seems so content and happy
so is this real
it is what I have
and I enjoy it so
and feel such sweetness
that I think about now
and lay my head to sleep
rather than walking at midnight

not ready

it took me this long to get here
I wasn't ready before now
I realize that if we had met
even a year ago
nothing would have happened
you would had not known the real me
I would have not searched out
your inner feelings
few words would have been said
if any
fences would have been in place
boundaries set
perhaps things would have developed
but probably not
I feel as if a dream was fulfilled
a dream I didn't know
or understand
so I sometimes look around
to assure myself that this is real
I feel
so complete
I was prepared
I was trained
the time is right
but not before now

need want desire

I heard the words
I said the words
but nothing changed
and everything changed
now is more permanent
the future is possible
sharing is what it is
where it was searching before
now it is found
say the words again
inhale the essence
and ingest the meaning
continue to consume the emotion
while touching the moment
the emotion leads the way
not joy
nor peace
more a lack of hunger
a cause to sit
ponder maybe question
or is it relief
no need to run
or chase
to try to impress
I am found
accepted
it is acceptance
yes complete acceptance
is that what I was looking for
maybe I am not sure
of what it is
I am just positive
that I have what I need want desire

like a child
I lay next to you
holding on
never wanting to move
because
I only want to live in the now
like a child
I do not know tomorrow
because all I know is today
I don't want to stop what I am doing
sleep is just an annoyance
like a child
I run to you with open arms
wanting a hug and a kiss
then I want to play
for as a child this all I know
like a child I want to grow up
but it seems so far away
that it is just a dream
no reality in the future
I live so contently in the now
my life is full of love
full of laughter
full of smiles
if I hurt
a hug eases the pain
If I stumble
I am righted again
there is no failure
there is no time
there is only the now
let me be
like a child again

trying to accept

trying to accept
first I have to realize
that I can't change what happened
that I have no control over
some events
and that the events that
I think I have control over
are subject to change
changes I didn't count on
changes I'm not prepared for
then I have to accept God's will
if I can
I can find the strength
I am weak and make too many mistakes
I start in the wrong direction
and don't know where I am
lastly
accept the fact that good things
can happen
and enjoy them
don't ask why
I'm trying to accept
where I am
and who I am
I must accept the good I have
I'm trying to accept

lonely beach

went to the beach
a lonely beach
only a few shell hunters
and a couple watching
the sunset
no clouds and a near winter sun
a bright ball that turned golden
for a few moments then fell out of view
a moment of color
then darkness
I ventured into the water
to have the wavws wash over my feet
not the warm summer feeling
but pleasant all the same
no hand to hold
no lips to kiss
no smile to enjoy
no chance to hear a gentle word
don't feel sorry because all is well
just settling into a different
territory
maybe tomorrow I will
sing
or laugh
now just a slow walk
with sand on my feet

close your eyes

close your eyes
open your heart
said I wasn't in a hurry
but things happened so fast
guess it is the perfect fit
just the right chemistry
no deal breakers
just went with the flow
now I don't want to let go
don't want to leave
going to stay
move with me
I know your concerns
me too
didn't think I'd fly again
but soaring like an eagle
with the spirit lifting me higher
come live with me
live this life
can I believe
where I'm at
I don't want to question
I just want to share
I'm giving all I can
and taking all you give
we have so much
I'm amazed
so fast
so good
so blessed
close your eyes
and believe with me

being pawpaw

being paw paw
it is fun having grandchildren
they give you such love and affection
like having your kids small again
I'm lucky
right now I see my grand kids everyday
I'm actively involved with their life every day
it is strange in a way
because I don't feel the responsibility to decide
my kids have to make the decisions that alter
the life of their children
I am not mommy or daddy
that doesn't affect my love for them
only it is different
I can shape them to a degree
but they have more direct influence from their parents
one of the parents doesn't have my genes
so I see less of me in them
hoping that they got my best
or at least not a lot of the worst
I will give my love
and hold them dear
but I am still paw paw

hard to feel

I guess it is hard to feel
when you have been hurt
so many times before
I too have been hurt
but it was just life
not other people
when you give your heart
and people turn away
or hurt you
it must be hard
to say I can do this again
but am I just trying to overcome the loneliness
it is hard to trust what has been torn before
can it mend and be strong again
or is it still weak and full of holes
I offer only my failed strength
for my past has failed me also
my past has led me here
as has yours
I dream not of yesterday
I dream not of tomorrow
I dream of a today
so full of happiness
full of you
perhaps next week
maybe later
the feeling will be strong
or maybe not
I'm willing to wait
I will wait for you to let me
I will wait for to let yourself
I will wait but will continue to care
continue to hold you
for I know that you feel
I can wait for you to realize that feeling

mad at me

I felt you were mad at me
that is okay
but i guess that you're not
comfortable enough with me to talk about it
or you felt you would just get over it
and felt it wasn't worth talking about
so you got quiet and pulled back
I felt it
I need you
I want you
I want all of you
please don't keep me out
I will not run
I probably will say too much
but I need you to share your emotions
with me
I know it is scary but
I want all of you
good and not so good
sexy and cold
tender and rough
clean and dirty
happy and sad
mad and glad
you want honesty
be honest with me
we can help each another
heal the hurt
I guess you don't want my hurt
but if you are honest
sometimes it hurts
touch me and I will feel the emotion
let me touch you and feel your pain
let us hug and cure the pain
be mad at me on the outside not the inside
I can hear your words
hard to read your mind
Why is not important
only that you care
I want you to know I do
care so much

I'm not hungry

I'm not hungry
no fire in my belly
am I sated
or satisfied
no matter
I don't want to question
I don't want to cry
or yell or ask why
feel good
no great
earlier today I was questioning
if this would last
no concern now
I would do nothing different
now I realize my loss
I must deal with it
the pain is subsiding
the hurt lessens
I still have the love
it was not lost
I changed back to what I was
so I am the same
no better
no worse
Dear Lord I pray to you
help those I pray for
help us sweet Jesus
accept thy will
for by thy grace I/we are saved

the moment is good

I always thought I was normal
then I realized that wasn't so
all my life I have accused of living in a parallel universe
I just don't see things the way everyone else does
I see humor in everything even death
I feel good most of the time
when others are bored I amused
I feel that I see meaning behind words and actions
that others don't
When I'm alone I don't feel lonely
perhaps I don't recognize things
I ignore some of the bad and see the good
I think I say things in a way
a way that is moving
listen to my prattle
I feel especially good tonight and guess
I just wanted to ramble
may you close you eyes and see
may you sleep and dream
may you awaken and smile
for I must enjoy the moment
for the moment is good

just so I know

I felt your touch
but didn't understand
I kissed you
and you kissed back so passionately
did I miss something
or are you asking me to lead
I try but you resist
you hold me tenderly
and touch me so sensually
what are you telling me
I guess
that you want to feel me
but that is enough
just because you take a step
doesn't mean your ready to take another
enjoy the feeling
enjoy the sensation
kiss me with that same invitation
hold me
caress me
fill me with emotion not desire
just say you care
say I move you
just so I know

in love every night

I am in love every night
I love the night air
when the breeze blows from the sea
the moon shining brightly in the sky
hear the waves gently singing their sweet song
smelling the salt in the mist
a light in the distance
darkness all around
soft perfume of sweat
warmth emanating from a sweet flower
lovely reflections
a smile on my face
the night air so warm almost as a caress
I relax and sigh
without a care in the world
come with me tonight
come feel the night
open your soul
hear the music of nature
be in love every night

feeling

just feeling good
listening to a good song
thinking of a good moment
never can say goodbye
never forgotten
but not dwelling
letting new feelings uplift
letting old feelings remain
trying to let the past help me
hoping the future is long
living the present
loving the present
I don't want to replace the past
I do want to love those dear to me
may my family be closer
let me hold my children
tell them I care
open my heart so they can feel my love
open their heart to accept it
make us whole
may our parts unite to become stronger
than our separate pieces
feeling good

silly boy

silly boy
just take my hand
don't you know what you got
can't you tell
without me saying so
silly boy
take my hand
I want you to be close
I want to hold you
Can't we just enjoy what we have
silly boy
we haven't known for very long
this feeling
just let it grow
just let it alone
don't try to make it
be more
just let it be
hold me
don't use me
feel me
that is what pleases me
don't ask for more
just take what I give
I'll give you what I can
silly boy take my hand
don't ask for my heart
it is too soon
but I am with you
can't you just accept that
isn't that all you really want
it's all I have
share my space
silly boy
take my hand

I almost love you

seems like I can't quite get it right
nothing is really perfect
how can you analyze a feeling
quantify an emotion
you are such a good fit for me
and I for you
when I hold you
I feel great
the look I see in your eyes doesn't lie
a feeling otherwise unable to attain
so how can I tell you how I feel
I want you to know
but I must be honest
suddenly I realize
that I almost love you
I need maybe more time
more conversation
more hugs
more looking into your eyes
less fear
less of the past
less pain
sure I feel strong
sure I want to go on
so I almost love you
is that enough
till I know for sure
this will have to do
just remember
I still love your smile
what we have is good
I want to try to make it last

why all this pain

I am touching a lovely person
feeling the caring spirit
of a lovely partner
but I am feeling pain
not caused by this partner
caused by inability to be a man
it has so long since I felt that I was a man
measuring myself against a tainted benchmark
but this urge is so powerful
that I can't completely resist
I receive pleasure
and try to give pleasure
but I still feel this pain
this numbness
I try to understand
but can't
I struggle and reach
wanting to enter and release
unable to survive
I choose to not perish
I beat on my self
asking a selfish prayer
not knowing the answer
not wanting to face my real pain
I cry out for help
oh if only
if only the past would release me
can I forgive the past
I ask to try but
I feel so much good
I feel my partner
where is the satisfaction
where is the completeness
I ramble on unable
to say the real words
unable to deal with the real reason
for if I accept
I am defeated
a shell of a man
can this be enough for my partner
can this be enough for me
maybe I'm just afraid of the pain

sad in the middle of the night

I awaken
it is the middle of the night
sadness overwhelms me
I am not alone
yet I am alone at the same time
I can not waken my partner
for I cannot tell her that my desire is so great
yet my feelings for her have little to do with desire
my partner fills this void
a void felt as desire
but not filled by desire
yet I am awake and trying to feel
trying to forgive my loss
trying to forgive my pain
trying to forgive my hurt
trying to forgive the past
am I so dulled
so beaten
it has been so long
so long since I felt the bliss
that my partner brings
there is transference
the pleasure I give is the pleasure I feel
I only write this to sort thru feelings
so mixed and jumbled
so much hurt and pain
so much unforgiven
but not forgotten
my partner walk with me
hold my hand
comfort me
I spoke the words the other morning
and you didn't hear
I am grateful
for I am not ready
I feel the feelings
but can not forgive the past as of yet
talk to me of desire
tell me you understand
say you will help me
I promise that I won't hurt you
intentionally
because I know that pain is hard to control
I kiss you softly as I leave
a promise that I will return
a promise to hold your love in a safe place
help me forgive the past

I want to feel secure

I want to feel secure
guess everyone does
how can you ask without asking
how can I know what is on your heart
without feeling
if you feel something is it real
or do you just wish it so
is it safe to dream
or will reality be bitter
tasting everything so sweet
means you probably
have avoided the savory
treat me gently
touch me lightly
no pressure
accept me as I accept you

I trust you with my heart

I trust you with my heart
I just can't say the words
I know that I am close
but still very far away
and yes I care if you feel the same way
but I don't expect the words from you
I know that what you feel is strong
I can feel in every touch
and breathe you take
I feel that you are starting to trust me
that the same warm spirit
that holds you
that touches you
also embraces me
can anything so strong and good
be wrong
would not God
give us love
to share
so
I trust you with heart

where am I going

do you know where you are going
sometimes it feels like I know
then I look around and ask
where am I?
tonight I asked that question
because I am by myself
there are other people in the house
there are other people in my life
but none with me right now
and I wonder where I will be next year
things will change then
I will face decisions
and right now
I don't want to make any decisions
I'm not allowing any of the future
to interfere with my present
that is how I operate
always living the present
enjoy myself
if you try to prepare for the future
you lose some of the present
if you dwell in the past
how can you enjoy what you have
if you have pain use it
if you have love adore it
if you have loss learn from it
so if I knew where I was going
I would still be where I am
and probably try to figure a way to change the future
by doing something different in the present
would I give up love for life
would I give up truth for fortune
would I trade what I have
to get what I will have
which is better
life or dreams
life or memories
or life with uncertainty

time spent alone

it seems like
I don't want to spend time alone
I thought that I would be okay
alone at the beach
or walking
of course
I'm the optimist
and I don't realize everything
that is going on around me
so when I concentrated on myself
I felt the good things
leaving out the bad
easy for me
but after having so much loss around me
I reached out
lucky me
she reached out too
so now we dance our dance
happiness seems a reality
time passes so quickly
and I feel like it has been years
but only days actually
what is loss seems a distant memory
what is present feels like eternity
so I will live my dream
and I hope you can live yours
close your eyes
and feel my happiness
close your eyes
and tell me what you feel
when you hear my name
now open your heart
open your heart
and smile

mushy

I guess that mushy is not good
can I have my dream
can you tell me that the sunset is beautiful
don't you know a codeword
I love your smile
this sounds all disjointed
perhaps because I have twisted so many ways
that I only can grasp bits and pieces of reality
so I missed a beautiful sunset and the moon hid from me
but if I had only one moment
it would be tonight
for a feeling so strong and clear
is to be cherished
so forgive me
my precious
I just have trouble with saying the words
I feel the feeling
and love your actions
I want to say it but can't
so listen closely
as I softy tell you
that I care for you deeply
I guess I'll go before my whole world
turns to mush

I went to the beach
hoping to see just a sunset
get my feet wet in the warm surf
feel the sand between my toes
I do like to walk along the edge of the surf
so I really don't look for shells
I never expect to find a treasure
or even a lost watch
more like seaweed
or dead fish
but I did timidly throw out my fishing line
and caught a mermaid
am I a lucky guy or what

accept the joy

I was reading today
and it said
to accept the joy
God has granted all joy
so we only need to accept it
I did and do

no matter

no matter where you are
no matter what you see
no matter that the stars aren't shining
no matter that darkness reigns
I will be holding on to this moment
I will never forget the way you look
dreams may not help you
good thoughts can help but a little
guidance may be hard to find
and more difficult to understand
so look not for the stars to guide you
or a compass to show you the way
listen to your body
hear the gentle tugging
of your heart
the deep stirrings of your soul
feel that little tingle
let it expand and be your voice
sing to the moon
serenade the waves
stand on the sand
and be prepared to be washed away
come to my world
come to my heart
where no map will lead you
but when you arrive
you will know that you belong

I held her hand

I held her hand
so tiny and fragile
only a few weeks old
she seems to look at me
so blissful
I felt such a sensation inside
I am a hero
and she is my heroine
future is all she has
my love can only speed her on
she coos at my soft words
understanding the intent
just not the words
I carry her
light as a feather
to nurture and help her grow
if I can be her guiding light
then her path will be clear
I will burn as the candle in the wind
flickering but illuminating
watching her grow

tin man

I am the tin man
and only you can give me my heart
I am the tin man
I didn't know I cared
before I met you
thinking of love
was not on my mind
for I thought I had no heart
so I thought I was the tin man
I didn't need to find the wizard
but I did need to see a sunset
needed to feel the warm breeze
needed to touch the softest soft
needed to feel the warmest warm
there is more to come
but I need my heart
so this tin man is asking
can you give me my heart

so alive

not that I felt bad before
maybe not complete
a piece missing
a puzzle incomplete
I asked for some kind words and good feelings
I received a new way of living
I just feel so alive
so good inside
past is just a distant memory
present is the concentration
for what better
than to just throw yourself
into living
enjoying life
hugging your security blanket
and loving the smiles
saw a sunrise
meant that I have a chance
a prescription to alleviate the past
and ignore the future
I will not think
I will try to close my eyes and feel my way
searching for the soft wind and warm surf

serene

tonight I felt so serene
also so secure
I cuddled up to my security blanket
and just gave a hug
if life is so good right now
why would I worry
shouldn't I just enjoy the moment
and not question why it is happening
I want to dance the shag
and hold on tight
while the world spins
I am only along for ride
but it is such a good ride
if you count right
then step correctly
then the music feels right
and time is the rhythm
time to dance
time to sing
time to love
time to live
quick before someone notices
take my hand
kiss me
then tell me how you feel

what to say

some nights things feel so unreal
the rain is falling
and the thunder is booming
yet the house is silent
dare not make a sound
for fear that the noise will reveal me
I would have to face my foe
the future
nothing is known about it
and nothing can help you prepare for it
so I will hide in the present
I shall not think about tomorrow
I hope it is fulfilling
sleep is calling
but I prefer to hide a bit longer
and maybe I can capture yet another moment of bliss

I'll be good

I said I'll be good
and I tried to be
things were good
but I tried the same old thing
just trying to read what I feel
and feel what I know
guess that just because it is real
just because it is what I feel
doesn't mean it can't be overcome
I try to listen to my body
I try to listen to my heart
I try to listen to what my senses tell me
all these things tell me to do what
I did
it all felt right
it all felt good
I sensed that it was right
I sensed that it was good
but I wasn't being good
so being real is bad
don't stick your hand in fire lest you get burned
don't let me feel the goodness
don't let my hand feel the fire
for I will burn
like a blue hot flame
burn me up
burn me down
burn me burn me
just let me feel something

again my little world

my fortune cookie contained this fortune for me
look forward to great fortune and
a new lease on life

I sat like I had nothing to do
I closed my eyes
and smiled
I drifted into my little world
and waited for her
between our good byes
I tried to call
but there was no answer
so I said I will try again tomorrow
for in my little world
I do feel no pain
I only allow in the happiness
that so many are willing to share
and if I am alone
even the better
for I can dream of the good things I know to come
for separation makes the feelings intensify
and good things are accepted so easily
I look for the sunset
and see a golden ball
instead of a dark cloud
don't ask to enter
for I can only share
just a little
and it is hard to know
if you can accept the good
and reject the bad
for in my little world
the joy is present
and the future is bright
excuse me
while I return to my little world

my little world

I have been in my little world
and it has been heavenly
I spend my beach bum life and share it with
a lovely lady
I share her as little as possible
but she occupies most of my time
so I have neglecting my alter ego
and feel less wanting of sharing my soul
felt the warm night breeze and said a farewell
I will be doing my godfather duty
and maybe on return I will be inspired to write some

-+

thru closed eyes

afraid to open my eyes
for thru my closed eyes I feel great beauty
I feel with my hands and objects are so smooth
don't tell me to open my eyes
I may only be dreaming and if I awake
this precious moment will be gone
It doesn't feel like a dream but thru my closed eyes
it is real and I am cool
there is no else around but me
no stranger no foe
can I just stay
not having to go
I can behave
I will keep my eyes closed
I believe
thru closed eyes

kinda hard

kinda hard to write about beach life
when it rained all day
held my grandchild in my arms
as we caught a few minutes of sun
then the rain started
I had another great night
life is good
except sometimes
the kids cry
and it seems like
I can only be in
one place at a time
and I always
turn into a pumpkin

how can I say what I feel

How can I say what I feel
the full feeling in my heart
makes me not want to move
I had to leave
but only because
I can only be so lucky
I can't have every second of every day
but I am so happy
that I had today
the beautiful night
and a glorious moon
I don't know what to say
Just tell me that we are O K

sand

I lay on the sand
I walk on the sand
I put my toes in the sand
the moon shines overhead
the waves crash on the shore
I turn to face my life
am I sure
I think so
I feel the pleasure
like I was sixteen
and never had real feelings before
did my life start anew
a warm breeze cools my brow
I head for home
the sand will be here tomorrow

the pain of love

the pain of love
is never knowing when it will leave
it always does
sometimes it stays a long time
or just a moment
I have loved and known its warmth
I have known the loss of love
and the distress it causes
but I yearn to love again
and try each day
don't hold on too tight
but know that eventually it will let go
come again to me sweet love
hold my hand
share the joy
share the pain
but share the time most of all

a new baby

saw a new baby
getting burped
and then fed
she was the cutest thing
a miracle occurred
the cord was in a knot
but fate intervened
a new life
trying to show the way
for an old to follow
trust in faith
question not
follow blindly
continue loving

I thought

I thought I had all the answers
that I was not lonely
that I was strong
I was going to be a man
Now I'm not sure of exactly what I feel
I just know that
it is strong
stronger than I thought I could ever feel again
the water is nicer
the moon more beautiful
the beach more inviting
the food tastes better
and dessert so sweet
the night doesn't last long enough
a big sigh
each day must end
because another is ready to begin

rain

it is rainy season so it is much harder to go to the beach
so I won't bore you with that
maybe tomorrow

moon over the water

moon over the water
shone so brightly
reflecting on the waves
the beating of the waves on shore
and fireworks in the distance
the touch was so soft
as to the point of distraction
now here I sit
wondering if it is true
is it real
or will I awake soon

dreams of ribs dancing in my head

dreams of ribs dancing in my head
I have been reading about the restaurants by the beach
they all serve ribs
maybe sat nite
Friday nite is sit on the beach and look at the moon nite
wish you were here

my lady bug

another lovely sunset

today I saw another lovely sunset
I lay quietly as time sped by
I was unmoved and unhurried
saying good bye till another day
if only I see the moon
so shimmering in the sky
listening to a heartbeat
and a soft sigh
would I be happier if the sun said
hello
or if the sky wrote out messages with the clouds
only if I could feel the warmth
and not the pain

someone told me

someone told me
that life is a game
and we are but players
I guess I haven't figured out my role yet
or I am so bad at it that even I don't understand the lines
I keep looking for the playwright to tell me what to say
the director to tell me what to do
the producer to find the meaning
but all I have are questions
the answers never seem to find me
If I smile am I really happy
if I frown do I feel bad inside
maybe its just gas and my stomach is ruling my emotions
if anyone understands any of this
can you clue me in
or at least tell me my next line

RAIN

Some days are rainy days. Guess what, today it rained.
That means no sunset, no walk to the beach, and no sun.
I'm trying to get back to normal after leaving parts of my heart in Chicago and Lake Charles.
Death is such an unforgiving foe. You can't beat it. It takes so much and gives nothing. They say the person is at peace, but it takes a piece of my heart with each passing.
I ask not understanding, only the ability to continue on.
Dear Lord, I pray that my soul is prepared for your taking. I ask for the healing of my heart and soul. My mind is unable to comprehend the finality of death and the uncertainty of life.
I choose to live and that means I will face death again and probably again and again.
Let me learn to accept your will and steel my resolve so that thy will be done.

almost

I almost held an angel last night
I have this feeling that I was holding someone
the memory is hazy
and I not sure it is real
I think she laid her head on my chest
but I'm not sure
am I just wishing
am I just hoping
I don't remember her saying my name
I do know that I feel something good
I feel so calm
so peaceful
I'm sure that if I held an angel
I would feel this way
so I almost remember holding an angel

it doesn't matter

it doesn't matter
where we're at
I don't want to leave

it doesn't matter
what you say
I want to hear it

it doesn't matter
if it is said or unsaid
only that we feel it

it doesn't matter
if I go or stay
only that I see you again

it doesn't matter
that I can't resist
cause I don't know what is next

it doesn't matter
that I can't breathe
only that you call

I kissed the sea breeze

I kissed the sea breeze
so soft and tender
a delicate taste of tenderness
my heart raced
I heard the pounding waves
the soft warm night breeze
touched my lips
in the distance
lighting flashed
suddenly a shooting star
I made a wish
that this night would never end
it did last a long time
now I will have to try
to live a tomorrow that was as good as
this yesterday

feel so tired

Yes, I feel so tired. I guess I 'm still carrying the weight of so much loss.I allowed myself a beautiful sunset tonight. I felt its beauty but didn't feel its release. I wanted to hold her hand but alas, there was no one there. I feel a pain in my heart. I long to feel happy or my old bliss. I just write words and nothing feels good. So, touch me sweet woman. Touch my soul. I know that I will be in your arms again soon. I long for your kiss. I long for your touch. I long to hear your voice again. Am I ready to know you. I must be patient and let the feelings grow. You can't grow a flower in a day.Hopefully, the sunset tomorrow will be beautiful. I know it will be if your hand is in mine.

angel in disguise

we sat watching an angel in disguise
we were all prepared to cry
i was proud to be included in the band
we watched and waited

i felt that i had not finished
what was started
so many years ago
i had been brought back

pulled from the edge of escape
to face my remaining fate
no fires were left burning
no prayer left unanswered

i prayed for the end of pain
i prayed for acceptance of partings
but to no avail
only God knows the plan
and i sit in the corner waiting

for surely his word would be just
but life must take its own course
and i question not the plan
but it is hard to accept

i didn't feel relief
i didn't feel comfort
i only drove away
my heart had been emptied

i can only look back
and feel proud and honored
to have shared two lives
that were so full

i love the remaining five
and as long as they are alive
i will count my self
as an unofficial Leblanc

i only want

i only want to not be here
i only want what i don't have
i only want to have what i lost
i only want to change back to the same
i only want the future
i only want to see your smile
i only want the smile that was taken from me
i only want my butterfly to be free
i only want a hand to hold
i only want to see what is in your heart
i only want to wash away your tears
i only want to feel your pain
i only want to view your fears
i only want to live always one more day
i only want you to know me
i only want to feel what i want
i only want to be a vibration in your soul
i only want you to exist
i only want to dream
i only want to awake
i only want to sleep
i only want my fear to be gone
i only want to see what remains
i only want to hear the sound of music
i only want some enchanted evening
i only want five kinds of dessert
i only want sand between my toes
i only want a sunset
i only want to give you what you want
i only want what i have

like a little puppy

I want her to pat my head

and tickle my tummy

take me for a walk on the beach

and then feed me a treat

I'd wag my tail

and lick her hand

then her face

and she's laugh

at my silly yelp

and snuggle me close

then rub me behind my ears

it sure is nice being

p-ann's puppy

on the road

well I'll be on the road again see you in 10 days to two weeks

mom's spirit

Someone asked me, how can you believe in God? My answer is easy, you don't know my mother, sweet Anna Bernice Saylor Brock. She has been touched by God's spirit and I have been touched by her spirit. One example, I was driving home from work and felt like someone was standing on my chest. I knew it was my mother. I called her and she said, " I've been praying for you." I told her that whatever she was praying about was okay now. I felt peaceful with joy in my heart. I feel that way now. If you know my mother, I 'm sure that you too have been touched by her and felt her spirit.
I sat reading to my mom from the bible her last few days and I was guided to this verse. In Gal. 5-6, Faith which worketh by Love. This may be translated, Faith that shows itself through Love. I felt that this verse was my mother, her faith showed it self through her love.
We must say good by to my mom's physical being, but I know that her spirit, God's spirit will always be with me.
She said many times, as she drifted into her own world the last few years, that she was going to climb the hill to find her little boy and cross the river to the other side. I'm sure she is on the other side of the river with Jesus. So I can't be sad.
I want to thank you Jesus for sharing my mom with us for as long he did. Thank you, Jesus. Thank you Jesus.

mom is dead

Mom passed away. I was by her side. It was peaceful.
I know that her spirit will be with me always.
I long for the peace of the past.
The perfect past where all is good.
I guess that I have more to do and say to change my grief to happiness. I will always be aware of my mom's love and feel lucky to be shielded by her love. I want to share it with all.

no less

My mom is dying, she is 90. She has a bleeding stroke,

i have looked
at the face of death
again
must i die again
does death always win
it has made me sad
a gloom that pervades
my soul
i long for this pain
to be removed
but i cannot ask
for the end of life
i stand ready to accept it
but unwilling to embrace it
i turn my head
to avoid its eyes
for i can look at death
but i do not want death
looking at me
but could i smile
i would
for if this pain
was avoidable
my life would return to bliss
i long to take your hand
and be able to lift you from
this paleness
but i only stand
ignored
waiting for this journey
to end
but i have no power
no control
i look in the mirror
and know that at my turn
i too will fight
to the end
for one more breathe
and will hold dear life
to my bosom
but i do not
want to battle death
now or then
i do not want to watch this current lifebattle
i sit quietly and wait
for i can do
no more or
no less

losing my memory

I'm losing my memory
time is just a blur
and i only seem to remember
the good things
life was always good
and love filled the air
my kids are the best
and always were
i remember the hugs and kisses
the trees i climbed
the games i played
it was always summer
and school was so far removed
there are so many things to remember
i'm glad i'm losing my memory

lost in time

C left today, He is doing well.

I was in the water today and I felt as if I was lost in time. It was as if time was the water and I was not moving with it. I could just pop up at any place in time. It is a weird concept but I was still and the world was moving past me. I could just pop out and be unchanged.

i closed my eyes and my mind relaxed. I was in a quiet place, like I guess how it feels to be in a womb. No cares, concerns or worries. This was so relaxing, I feel truly alive.

a new sunset

I watched the setting sun and all my feelings were new. I felt as if I had never seen the day end before. I sang a song of joy.
What I see is new. what I feel is different. Who I am can not be the same.
Hopefully, better, but at least good.
I can only do what I do. I can not control others. I can only hope that they understand that I want good things, kind, gentle and sweet.

Funny-sad story. They put my wife's headstone up. They put it on the wrong grave. I guess this shows that my wife is not in charge anymore. And I guess neither am I. They moved it to the right place.

C is arriving tonite, so it will be Monday before I blog again.

spoiled

I really feel like that spoiled little kid, that I never liked.
What have I done do deserve this life?
If I had a potion that would let me do what I wanted, why would I do this?
Is this a lucky chance, or is this God's will?
Is my well-being based on others misfortune?

I saw the sunset and it felt good.
I felt the warm surf and it felt good.
Open my eyes, Lord. Open my mind.
I beg forgiveness, for I deserve nothing.

Cure me, O Lord for I am spoiled.

nutrix

Nutrix please write more blog, I love boo.

The sky was clear and the temperature was perfectly pleasant with a light breeze blowing. Is this some tropical isle? No, just gulf side Florida, my new home.
We walked on the beach and picked some sea shells from the sand. We were ready to stand in the the warm and mild surf, with sand shifting between our toes. suddenly, dark clouds rolled in portending of rain and no sunset. A shared sunset was our purpose, a simple , but elegant way of spending an evening. We turned to walk back when we saw fins flash in the water. Shark, no, but dolphins. The mother in the lead with her calf swimming her synchronized routine, and following is the male. We see the clouds roll out the way in time for a most unusual sunset. They made the sun look a most odd shape.
Then on for a ice cream dessert made with wine. We tried six different flavors, I want to try every dessert every thought of, in every flavor.
I only have one problem. what do I do with my hands while standing looking at the sun set. I put one in my pocket, then shift it onto my hip, my waist band and behind my back. Perhaps, my friend has the same problem and can help me find a solution.

foam green

The water at the beach was foam green, so clear you could see the bottom. The wind was slowly blowing. I found a shady spot under some trees at the edge of the beach. I laid down and let my mind relax. Yes, this is life at the beach. Today was a great day.
The world swirls around me with people working and hiding for a few days. What are they searching for, the better life.
My life may not be better than it was. I have less possessions and less stress. I wake up late and go to bed late. I guess I am not contributing to society in a fiscal way, but I offer to you my writing as a gift. Float on the cloud and follow the dream. My day is quiet and my mind is clear.
My day is filled with dreams. I am living mine. Sunshine and smiles, a way of life.

the voice of a woman

I heard the voice of a woman, I just sat and did nothing. I don't understand.
I really didn't have anything to do and I didn't do anything.
I didn't go to the beach or worry about a sunset.
I heard the voice of a woman.
I hope to hear it again tomorrow.
I'm gonna try to go to the beach early.

sunday nice

I felt the wind in my face
turning my head to listen for your voice
I heard your words
and I listened with great attend
I felt my emotions
and I didn't know what to think
your words caused me to want to hear more
just conversation, so missed
is this what I am looking for
for a friend to ease the pain
that I thought was healing faster than
exposing my heart anew
will I be afraid to pursue
I'm trying to say
that the words were good
but what I need to know
were they good for you

sunset cruise

Well, I am finally done with the yard. I went to the beach and laid in the sun, watched the waves, walked in the surf.
Tonite M took me on a sunset cruise. We were able to go on an island and look for shells, found tons, didn't keep any. Walked it the warm surf and watched a beautiful sunset.
I am really amazed at what great pleasure it brings me.
Watched a movie at home went to bed late.
must
be
paradise.

tgif

Well for all the working class, I know that you are glad it is Friday. Actually, so am I . I have a real full week with the yard boy stuff and am looking forward to our Saturday routine.
I have a lunch date on Sunday and I will be nervous as I haven't had a date in 39 yr.
As c says, it is, what it is.
Well the excitement of the day has waned and I find myself feeling very good.
So I hope good dreams and sweet music for all.

yard boy two

I did yard boy duty today. Not quite done but close.
Rubbing my legs, got cramps. I'm not used to all this bending and pulling.
Should be done tomorrow.
I got emails from my god child and my niece, both telling me that they liked my poem and they appreciate the emotion.
So that made my day, but I got nothing to write tonite.
So no beach, no sunset, just hard work.
That's just today, I'll work on it tomorrow.

yard boy

I went to the beach early and got back early.
I felt really great, after last night my head was so clear.
Then t, my god daughter wrote to say that my poems help her and make her feel good.
I am on cloud nine.
I decided to do yard boy duties and so I spent most of the evening raking leaves and cleaning gutters. More yard work tomorrow. Gonna get done so I can hit the beach.
The beach is always there, we just have to take the time to enjoy it. So it goes with life.

How do I explain

I had a busy day today. Got my 50" plasma today, CeCe was really enjoying it. I got a brand new toy.
Went to beach and enjoyed a gorgeous sunset.
As I was walking in the warm surf, I had some thoughts.

How do you explain a wave. It spends it's whole life rushing to shore. It has ups and downs and changes. It ignores the wind and sky, birds, planes, ships. It just comes crashing onshore only to dissipate and be followed by yet another wave.
Seems like everyone has questions. How can I explain, would you understand? If we hold hands and look at the oceans, do you see what I see or feel what I feel? Do you understand happiness or wonderful? What color and shape is love? I didn't laugh because I was alone. I did smile and feel good, because I wasn't lonely for I am loved I have more love to experience.
So close your eyes and take my hand, experience the sunset, the warm surf and the soft sand between you toes. Feel my love, as you feel the touch of my lips on your cheek, and the calm in my heart.

I went home and had orange sherbet for dessert.

Yes, it was a busy day.

CeCe day

Today was CeCe day. She did not go to school today, m brought back from an appointment at 11 am and we watched Finding Nemo, again. Then we took a nap, I was quite surprised that she didn't fuss, but since it was me and her, I guess it was different. We then went to the duck pond and then she played on the slides.
No beach. No songs. No poems. Just enjoying life.

not a normal weekend

Well at least, I wasn't bored. Rain Saturday, put together our TV stand or should say, I sorta helped Cy. I have so little mechanical ability that I see most things backwards or upside down.
We went to eat and I had ribs again. Spaghetti today, my favorite.
Sunday, I was supposed to have a lunch date, but crazy things happened and I bailed out.
I went to beach and enjoyed the nice weather.

I don't want to hurt you
don't want to say no
but I'm afraid of what I'm feeling
and I'm not ready to let go
my past is all I know
the future has lied before
so what you are offering
is it less or more

tell me the answer
don't look at me that way
I want to know
should I go or stay
I'm afraid to feel this way again
afraid to fall
I can't gamble on it
nothing or all

Rainy day

Well, everyday at the beach is great. However, today was a little rough. Since I am a die hard, I walked to the beach in the rain. When I got to the beach the wind was blowing pretty hard, I left about a hour early to go home and get dry.We have tropical Barry coming so tomorrow will be more rain. They say it is good because we are at drought levels, this will help.
Since today was my birthday, my daughter bought cake(cheesecake 6 kinds), she knows I want to try them all.
Watched the movie Forgotten, guess if you saw, you're saying, I'm trying to forget it. They just don't explain plot well enough, gets kinda sci-fi.

love the beach

I guess that to say I love the beach would be repetitious, but I'm the Mr. Boring. I had my typical day, spent most of the afternoon at the beach.
Did get to speak to my son C, Tomorrow is my birthday and I'm 60, whoo, whee. It did feel good to hear his voice and for him to tell me he is doing okay. He is just so much of the man I always hoped he would be. I'm just the proud papa and he is my amazing son. He is coming down for Father's day, so I will can give him a big hug.
He was saying how brown I was in the last picture I sent him. Yes, the beach bum.
I'm just hoping for a sunset without clouds, maybe tomorrow.

I wanted to send you a...

Last nite i made some dark chocolate covered strawberries and M and I shared them.

I wanted to see you again but that would mean another goodbye
I wanted to send you a dream but sleep wouldn't come
I wanted to share some of this sunshine but it's cloudy today
I wanted to give you my love but I know it is already there
I wanted to give you a hug but have one of the kids do it for me.
I wanted to change things but I didn't want to lose any of the happiness I have
I wanted to look in your eyes so I just closed mine
I wanted to last forever but nothing on earth does
I wanted to be less intense but my feelings are
I wanted to say the exact right thing but this will have to suffice
I wanted to kiss you again and I will some day
I wanted to see you but that would mean another goodbye

high school memories

I am on the Clasmates.com web site, but I never go any further than looking at the list of people. I just don't know if I want to talk about what I have done. I'm not a successful guy. I just raised some great kids. Do I want to know about these people, I haven't concerned myself with since we graduated? I got rid of anything related to high school, yearbook, papers, anything else. I knew that we were all scattering and I was right because I ended up a thousand miles away from Calumet High. Even further in my mind. I guess I just have to be where I am at, living in the moment. In Louisiana I was all for crawfish and football. Now I'm in Florida and I'm all for the beach. I found out that two of the best are already gone. Vince, the natural, and Don, the scrappiest guy I ever knew. I never go back, I just go on.

everyday is great

Usual day, got up late, ate oatmeal, cleaned some, then went to the beach.

Everyday is great at the beach. First I get my exercise because I walk to the beach, then I walk in the water at the beach, I do some light exercise, then I sit and contemplate life, and enjoy the ionization in the air, I walk back down the beach in the water, and walk home.
Man, does it feel great to be able to do that everyday.

I haven't got tired of it yet and, in fact, miss it when I don't get to go.

Also, go there at sunset and you get this great color show. A sunset is a beautiful thing.

memorial day

BBQ ribs, for years I didn't appreciate them, now I love them. M did some on the grill, most excellent. also did corn on cob, so sweet and asparagus.
Then for dessert, fruit pizza. Guess I will have to walk tomorrow to work that chow down off.
Yes, I worked on my car. no, I am not done.

Kinda bummed out, Probably not enough sleep or enough beach. Maybe tomorrow.
I know the water will be fine.

sunday

Had another late night but got up and we all went to church.
Then I detailed the car some more.
Finally, we went to the beach and the water was warm and soothing. CeCe and I went to the playground, then she let me chase her around and around this small building.

M says I need to upgrade from flip-flops to sandals for church. What is the fun of being a beach bum if you have to dress up like that.

Walked around in my bare feet the rest of the day.

Decided to include some of my poems from time to time.

save my love
for a rainy day
when you're stuck inside
and feeling low
pull it out like
a book and let it
comfort you
even though
i won't be there
to put my arms around you
wear my love like
a shawl, put it
tight over your
shoulders
and let me warm you
let my love touch you
as your love touches me
be kissed by the shadow
of an angel
just before
you fall asleep

slow saturday

It was a lazy day today, as always, I was up late last night. I got up late. i worked on my car cleaning some more, It needs lot of detail work. Of course I listened to my Joss Stone Cd. I love her voice, it is so clear. Are you diggin me, cus I'm digging you, great song. You're a dirty man, a dirty, dirty man. How about a dirty car?
Went to Chili's to eat and had ribs, actually had some of 4 different kinds. All were good. My new favorite food is ribs. M fixed cookies from a mix, hot out of the oven with cold milk.
Didn't make it to the beach or se the sunset, too many clouds. I guess some people would tire of it, anybody see the new King Kong, but I hope I don't.

washing the car

How mundane, I finally got up and washed my car, really I am detailing it so I can take pictures and sell it. I got it clean but I have to touch up the paint in a few spots and work on the carpet. It is shiny now and I hope I get top $$.

When it got to 3:30, I dropped my rag and took off for the beach. I like to park and take my shoes off. Then I walk the length of the beach in the water. Then I walk to a covered bench and watch the waves, sun bathe and do a few exercises. I try to walk to the beach, but i cheated today and drove. I want to be home when CeCe arrives so she doesn't think I'm not coming back.

I finally got around to ordering my 50" plasma. I ordered a Pioneer with a up converting DVD player. M said I had to get a new TV stand and it had to be cherry wood. I'm looking forward to seeing "Finding Nemo" on it since CeCe watches it everyday. I saw the musical at Disney World. Rode the nemo ride twice.

trying to get a convertible

Well, life on the beach is great. I do feel the need to get a cruisin' car, however. So, I'm trying to sell the family 4-dr sedan and find a bright red convertible. It seems like evey site needs pics so, I 'm going to wash her up and see if anyone is interested. Car dealers want to give you about half of what it worth. I hope their is someone out there that needs a good used family car.

since this my first blog, I am going to make it short.